Introjection – How We Adopt Beliefs and Habits from Others

Introjection is one of the mechanisms of our psychological defense and adaptation; it plays an important role in shaping our personality. We all live in society and from childhood unconsciously strive to adapt to its norms and rules to be accepted and loved. We learn from those around us how to behave, how to be "good," how to treat people, and how to build relationships.

When we adopt the experiences, views, emotional reactions, and behavior patterns of people significant to us, it provides us with a sense of our "correctness" and belonging to a group, and hence, safety. Furthermore, young children are entirely dependent on their parents and, striving to earn their approval, are ready to adapt to parental expectations, absorb their beliefs, and copy their habits. Critical thinking is not yet developed in children, which is why we get used to following ready-made attitudes from childhood, often without analyzing or evaluating information and others' motives.

In adolescence, new idols replace parents, and we continue to borrow their traits, striving to build a better version of ourselves, changing our worldview, behavior, and even character. Adults are also susceptible to influence, especially if they have grown up as dependent conformists, opportunists, accustomed to submitting to others' opinions.

The Benefits and Harms of Introjection

Positive introjection helps us fit into society and develop useful skills, shapes our moral compass and healthy life values, and strengthens self-confidence. Many introjections concern our self-esteem – we adopt how significant adults evaluate us. If we are treated with love in childhood, we absorb the belief that we are unique, talented, worthy of the best, that everything is within our power. Children are influenced not only by parents but also by teachers, other authority figures, the school environment, and the cultural milieu. We can learn resilience and bravery from heroes, curiosity from explorers, kindness from fairy-tale princesses. Examples of others' reactions and actions help us build behavior models and solve our own life tasks.

Problems begin if the attitudes we have internalized do not correspond to our true needs, negatively affect our thoughts, feelings, and actions, and hinder our development and adult life. For example, we can adopt others' criticism, fears, and negative beliefs. Thus, a girl repeats after her mother "you can't trust men" or takes her mother's criticism at face value and spends her whole life thinking she has a big nose or short legs, being ashamed of her appearance.

Moreover, parental suggestions are not necessarily expressed in words – it might not be a direct instruction, comment, or assessment, but simply an emotional reaction. If a mother sighs heavily looking at B grades in the diary of an excellent student – a sensitive child will internalize that they must be flawless so that their parents are not disappointed in them. This is how a harsh "inner critic" is formed, which limits and torments us, instills that we are not good enough and unworthy of love, prompts us to strive for unattainable perfection, and makes us fear mistakes. This is fraught with constant feelings of guilt and shame, self-esteem issues, disappointments in oneself, difficulties in work and personal life, anxiety, and depression.

Negative introjections can also form in adults. Under the influence of traumatic events, stress, relationship problems, harsh criticism, or losses, we can adopt beliefs that the world is cruel and we are powerless and helpless. Social introjects are also powerful: "you need to work hard," "success is a high position," "married by thirty," "elders must be respected," "for a woman, family should come first," "a man must provide..." and so on. Such beliefs should be perceived consciously, in accordance with the specifics of one's situation, one's desires, needs, and capabilities.

Another danger of introjection is the loss of one's own personality – one's opinion, one's voice, self-realization. If a person doesn't even think about their inner beliefs and needs, or believes they are not good enough, they might spend their whole life adapting to the opinions of strong leaders and influencers, to the detriment of their own identity and interests. And the discrepancy between our true and "absorbed" values and beliefs is a path to a serious internal crisis. Moreover, since the process of introjection is unconscious, we do not at all think that someone is manipulating us or influencing us and are ready to fiercely defend the familiar position as our own.

How to Understand That Harmful Introjects – Others' Negative Attitudes – Are Affecting You

There can be many signs that your true self is distorted by introjection, for example:

• frequent conflicts between "want" and "should," a feeling of "not my life," not my goals, a sense of mismatch between actions and true desires or thoughts and deep values;
• unreasonable irritation, shame, guilt, confusion, envy towards those who live more freely;
• a tendency to underestimate oneself and one's successes, ruthless self-criticism;
• a desire to mask one's "incorrect" true feelings;
• feelings of guilt and shame for one's own needs and desires;
• perfectionism, a painful fear of mistakes, judgment, and criticism;
• a striving to meet others' expectations to avoid being rejected;
• strong anxiety when violating internalized norms and rules;
• success that brings no joy or constant failures despite all efforts;
• self-sabotage, unconscious destruction of one's own achievements;
• harmful behavioral patterns, such as workaholism, self-sacrifice, avoidance of success, ignoring one's needs or symptoms of illness, etc.

How to Cope with Introjection That Harms Us

It is within our power not to live "by inertia" but to figure out what exactly doesn't suit us, what we should change in our attitude towards ourselves and life. To do this:

– Engage in critical self-analysis more often

Notice when you feel irritation and emotional discomfort, act against your desire. Track recurring phrases in your internal dialogue, paying special attention to categorical words like "always/never," "should," "must," "cannot," "supposed to," "right/wrong." You can, for example, keep a diary, regularly recording your emotions, automatic thoughts, and beliefs that guide you. The diary will also help track how your beliefs determine your behavior and actions and influence your life.

You can also create a questionnaire for yourself, quickly finishing phrases like: "to succeed, one needs...", "I look...", "to be loved, I need...", "a real man must...", "a real woman should..." This can also help track the beliefs you have absorbed.

– Learn to distinguish others' beliefs from your own

For example, if you often catch yourself thinking or even saying out loud: "I never succeed at anything" – subject the negative belief to doubt – is it an objective truth or someone's opinion you have absorbed? Ask yourself – whose voice does this remind you of? Maybe your parents said this, being overly demanding or trying to do everything for you? If you can't figure it out immediately, you can use the "five whys" method – ask yourself: "Why do I think so?" or "why do I do this?" and ask "why" again and again until the source of the belief becomes clear.

Remember that your own beliefs inspire and energize you, they align with your values, are based on your experience and reflections, and can change over time. Whereas introjects are perceived as a heavy burden, an obligation and duty, cause internal resistance, and are rigid and categorical.

– Rethink negative beliefs

Challenge the instilled "I can't do it" – remember all your successes, tell yourself that you definitely won't succeed only if you don't try at all, and if it doesn't work out – you just need to consider the mistakes and try again. Thus, over time, the negative belief will lose its power. You can try to imagine the inner critic as a separate person from yourself and mentally "talk" to them, explain how their comments hurt you, provide arguments why they are wrong. This can strengthen your inner voice, drowning out the instilled thought.

The scheme for transforming a perceived belief can be approximately as follows:

• identify the introject – "I must do everything perfectly";
• track its source – parents' high expectations;
• assess the truthfulness of the belief – perfection is unattainable, everyone makes mistakes;
• propose an alternative – "I can be satisfied with a good enough result, and if I make a mistake – I'll learn from it and next time I'll do better";
• gradually change behavior – be bolder in trying new things, fear mistakes less, overwork less, blame yourself less.

Try to be more lenient and kinder to yourself. Catching yourself in harsh self-criticism – think about what you would say to your best friend in such a situation – would you judge them as strictly or would you feel sorry for them, encourage them?

– Strengthen emotional and cognitive boundaries

Pay attention to how you accept others' beliefs. Don't rush to agree with an interlocutor or an "expert" online – take a pause and reflect: "And what do I think about this, what do I feel?" The practice of observation and reflection will allow you to track introjections and note that this – is not your thought, not your opinion, not your voice.

Remember that it's impossible to please everyone. People who truly care about your personality will not reject you if you stand up for your opinion, say "no, this doesn't suit me" or "I think differently."

– Reduce time on social media and communication with toxic, negatively disposed people

Sometimes the main source of our negative beliefs is perfectly known to us – it could be, for example, an authoritarian, egocentric, and uncompromising person in our circle, ready to teach us until our hair turns gray how to live "correctly." And often we listen to them meekly so as not to upset them, not to spoil the relationship. Remember that you are not responsible for other people's emotions and are not obliged to meet others' expectations. If an honest conversation with a toxic loved one doesn't help, then, for your own good, you should communicate with such a person as little as possible.

– If necessary – seek professional help

If the internalized attitudes interfere with your life, affect relationships, work, or studies, if they are associated with traumatic experiences, cause anxiety or symptoms of depression, and you cannot cope with them on your own, then you should definitely consult a specialist. A psychologist or psychotherapist can help you understand your negative beliefs, identify their sources, and start working on changing them.

We don't necessarily need to get rid of all perceived beliefs, and it's impossible anyway. The main thing is to periodically review them – do they correspond to reality, do they suit us at this stage of life, do they help or hinder. Thus, gradually, we can become aware of them, process them, and make them a harmonious part of our own personality.