How to Find Yourself and Start Living Your Own Life

Of course, we all live in society, and fitting in, observing social norms, is important. But it’s equally important to remain yourself, to defend your values, and fulfill your wishes. Being yourself means knowing, accepting, and loving who you are — being natural and spontaneous, openly expressing your feelings and acknowledging your experiences, considering your needs and following your dreams, consciously building trusting relationships, and voluntarily taking on appropriate responsibility. Such an attitude toward yourself and life brings a sense of satisfaction and confidence that you’re moving in the right direction. Otherwise, we risk cultivating a painful sense of emptiness, falseness, insincerity, inadequacy, and unfulfillment — which may lead to inner crisis, depression, loss of life’s meaning, or health problems.

What Prevents Us from Being Ourselves?

Fear of Judgment and Rejection

Many of us learn from childhood that to be accepted and loved, we must be “convenient” and “proper” — to please others, adapt, and suppress “unacceptable” emotions. “Good children,” as we know, don’t cry, complain, or get angry. These mindsets stay with us throughout life. At school it’s easier to be “like everyone else,” and society applauds those who choose a “normal” job and build a standard “successful life” — just like in glossy social media photos. So showing yourself as “different” or “wrong” becomes shameful and frightening.

Often our sincerity brings pain when people dismiss our feelings, mock our opinions or interests, or call our desires selfish. This only reinforces the belief: “Being myself is dangerous!” We start hiding or even denying our true emotions and desires just to avoid seeming weak.

Misunderstanding Your Own Needs and Desires

Those who simply “go with the flow,” without asking themselves “what matters to me?”, “what do I need?”, “what do I want?” risk living by society’s imposed stereotypes and other people’s scripts without realizing it. Such a person may never discover their unique traits, or mistakenly see them as “flaws.” Often this happens to those who were overprotected by parents and never separated from them, continuing to live “by their orders.”

Complexes and Low Self-Esteem

If a person in childhood was harshly criticized and their feelings devalued, if they grew up painfully unsure of their abilities, believing they’re worse than others, then expressing themselves becomes extremely difficult. “Who am I, who needs my opinion?”, “It doesn’t matter what I want — it won’t work anyway.” The more often one denies their desires, the lower their self-esteem falls — a vicious circle.

Excessive Demands and Perfectionism

Those who were pushed to perfection from childhood — to earn top grades, awards, wins — often internalize that they’re worthy only through achievements. As adults, they forbid themselves weakness and mistakes, making it hard to relax, have fun, or try something new.

How to Reconnect with Your True Self

Remind Yourself That No One Is Perfect — You’re Good Enough

We’re often paralyzed by the fear that if we remove our mask, we’ll appear less strong, less “good,” less “right.” But we’re living beings — we make mistakes, feel deeply, and have vulnerable moments. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses — it’s vital to understand and accept them. Self-improvement matters, but it should serve your own good, not a mythical ideal. You don’t need to fit any mold or please everyone — that’s impossible. Only with those who accept your true self can you build genuine intimacy. The negative opinions of strangers are best ignored.

Learn to Distinguish Your Own Desires from Imposed Ones

If you often think “I should…” or “I must…,” ask yourself — whose voice do you hear? Your mother’s? Friends’? Teachers’? Who said you must choose a “prestigious” job over “unreliable” creativity, or sit through three hours of a tragic opera when a cheerful musical suits you better? Why are you afraid to make your own choices, speak your mind, or say no?

It’s important to separate yourself from your social roles — don’t lock yourself into one identity, whether “mother,” “daughter,” or “boss.” You are a multifaceted personality.

Observe yourself: keep a journal of your reactions and thoughts. What did you say or do because “that’s what’s expected,” versus what you truly wanted to say or do? The more often you question whether your actions come from you or from your role, the better you’ll understand where your true personality shines through. Be honest with yourself — only by acknowledging your genuine feelings and desires can you find the way back to yourself.

Strengthen Your Self-Esteem and Sense of Worth

Don’t compare yourself to others, especially not to glossy magazine or social media figures. You are unique, valuable, and worthy of respect — even with all your imperfections, weaknesses, and failures. Your feelings matter. Your desires matter. Remind yourself often: “I have the right” — to my emotions and interests, to rest and joy, to mistakes and new attempts. Support yourself more, criticize yourself less. Notice your progress and achievements, build inner strength, develop confidence, and take responsibility for your life. Value your uniqueness, your potential, energy, ambition, and talents — what you bring to the world cannot be brought by anyone else.

Free Yourself from Others’ Expectations and Set Personal Boundaries

Whatever others expect or demand from you — ask yourself: do you need it? Is it useful? Does it bring joy? Learn to choose yourself without shame, to say “no” when something doesn’t match your values or desires. Express your feelings and needs openly — this will bring inner freedom, comfort, and sincere relationships, not between masks, but between real people.

This doesn’t mean you should speak with complete candor to everyone or neglect your child or pet. Expressing your feelings and pursuing your desires must also respect others’ boundaries and what’s appropriate.

Learn to Experience and Express Feelings Safely

Understand what you love and dislike, what pleases or upsets you. Accept that negative emotions are normal. Think about which feelings or traits you most often suppress or hide from others — and what will happen if you let them show? If you keep telling yourself to be more restrained, perhaps letting yourself laugh or cry freely is exactly what you need to feel real again. Get used to naming your feelings — speak or write them down: “I’m angry (upset, anxious, hurt, happy, etc.) because…”

Be Brave to Try New Things to Understand Yourself Better

Experiment to discover what excites you, where you want to grow, and with whom you want to connect. Care for your needs, practice making independent decisions. Allow small rebellions — say “no” without excuses, rest without guilt, wear what you like rather than what’s trendy. Sometimes skip the social mask — express your opinion gently but clearly instead of staying silent. Follow your own interests instead of others’. To rediscover your genuine self, recall what you loved in early childhood, before you feared judgment.

Remember That People Change Over Time

Don’t sentence yourself with “that’s just my character.” We can change and grow if we truly want to. The journey to yourself is largely the journey of growth.

If what once pleased you no longer does — that’s fine. You don’t need to blame yourself for losing interest in action movies, nightlife, or week-long camping trips. Regularly reflect on whether your actions still match your current needs, values, and desires. Maybe you’re just acting out of habit. But don’t rush to discard your past life — don’t abruptly change everything at once. Major decisions require thoughtfulness, understanding of both what you lose and what you gain.

Find Support

If you struggle to accept yourself or open up to others, consider reaching out to a psychologist or psychotherapist. It’s also important to find your “people” — kindred spirits with whom you can be open and comfortable without masks.

When doubts or worries weigh on you, don’t hesitate to share your feelings with understanding friends and family. It’s not a sign of weakness but of sincerity and trust — it strengthens your bond with loved ones.

Being yourself doesn’t mean indulging whims or denying social norms. It means recognizing and expressing your feelings and desires, acting in line with your own goals — choosing again and again to live an authentic, harmonious, and fulfilling life.