Emotional safety – how to build comfortable relationships

Every person has their own life and love story, and many of us carry not only positive experiences. If someone has faced lies, betrayal, infidelity, or cruelty, it can be very difficult for them to trust again and dive into new love headfirst. Such people may begin to doubt the intentions of others, their own worth, and even the very possibility of happy love, always expecting the worst and suffering from insecurity and fear.

When a person doesn’t feel safe in a relationship, it cannot become trusting, comfortable, or reliable for them. Someone who doesn’t trust their partner will fear being open and vulnerable, unable to communicate their needs sincerely. They simply won’t believe they will be accepted and supported no matter what. Without gaining someone’s trust, it is impossible to build a healthy, deep, and stable connection.

How to strengthen meaningful relationships and make your partner feel “I’m safe with you”?

We’re not talking about physical safety here—obviously, it is unacceptable to raise a hand against your partner, lash out aggressively, threaten or intimidate, invade personal space, or force physical intimacy against their will. Such actions are illegal, immoral, and make trust and healthy relationships impossible. But emotional safety is no less important. How can you ensure psychological comfort for your loved one?

– Make your closeness gradual – don’t rush your partner; give them time to trust you, to be sure of your safety, consistency, and loyalty.

It’s understandable that when we feel like we’ve finally found “our person,” we immediately want to “claim” them, just like in romantic stories where fateful meetings happen, feelings overflow, and declarations of love come instantly. Dreaming of relationships where partners understand each other without words, we start to make grand plans and rush into realizing them—pushing for moving in, marriage, or children too soon. We might also demand promises in return: “Will you love me forever?”

At such times, remember that everyone has their own limits, anxieties, and fears. Not everyone appreciates being deprived of personal choice overnight. To delay an overwhelming decision, a partner might distance themselves or even break contact entirely. This is not a reason for blame or panic (“He’s rushing me!” “She’s avoiding me!”), but for a calm, open conversation about what pace of development suits you both.

Rushed relationships can be risky for both partners. Perhaps you’ve fallen in love with your own fantasy—an idealized image. To avoid disappointment and resentment from unmet expectations, get closer slowly, learn about each other’s personalities, histories, and imperfections, face challenges and enjoy warm moments together, nurturing affection and setting boundaries to form a deep bond. Don’t rush to label your relationship or demand declarations of love—learn to enjoy being together without definitions.

• Respect your partner’s personal boundaries – physical, emotional, financial, intimate, and so on. Value what matters to your loved one, and don’t overload them with obligations. Manage your anxiety, possessiveness, and emotional hunger, and avoid constantly inserting yourself into their life, taking away their autonomy—their personal time, interests, and hobbies. Show your affection, but don’t smother them to the point they want to escape. Offer communication but don’t insist on it. Let them know you’re always there when needed, but avoid manipulating with proximity, jealousy, or coldness. Discuss your priorities and aspirations, physical boundaries, lifestyle, and schedules openly.
• Learn to actively listen and truly hear your partner so that it feels comfortable for them to share thoughts and feelings, worries and problems. If your partner seems upset, distracted, or busy, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s because of you. Ask clarifying questions, smile encouragingly, nod, and summarize to show understanding—offer support. Let them feel you are emotionally available and responsive, that they can talk to you about anything and show any emotion. Without open communication, resentment and fear can grow until the relationship collapses.
• Never use your partner’s weaknesses against them, nor judge or mock them. Mind not only your words but also nonverbal cues—body language, tone of voice.
• Be sincere in communication, open about your thoughts, feelings, and activities. This doesn’t mean oversharing personal details at once, but your partner shouldn’t feel like you’re hiding something. That’s how trust and safety grow.
• Show responsibility and keep promises, even small ones like “I’ll wash the dishes” or “I’ll get bread.” It’s a great way to show you’re reliable, trustworthy, and value the relationship. Actions often speak louder than words. Stability and predictability often equal safety for many people.
• Don’t rush into physical intimacy before you’ve established emotional closeness. For many—especially women—emotional connection is the key foundation of safe, comfortable, and free physical closeness.
• Keep communication light and fun, go on cheerful dates like bike rides or picnics, flirt, ask playful questions to get to know each other better. “What’s your happiest memory?”, “The most awkward day at school?”, “Favorite kind of vacation?”, “Who and where do you see yourself in 10 years?”, “Which superpower would you choose?”
• Don’t forget small signs of care and attention, as they often strengthen trust more than rare grand gestures or expensive gifts. Sweet notes, a homemade dinner on an ordinary day, offering a ride home, or an occasional flower mean more than an obligatory Valentine’s performance. Of course, some people are impressed by expensive gifts—but think carefully if that’s the kind of relationship you want.
• If you want to take your relationship to a new level – talk about it with your partner. Make sure you’re both happy, discuss mutual concerns, compromises, and your shared future.
• Don’t compare your relationship to others, especially to “perfect couples” in romantic stories. Real, imperfect people must work on their relationships.
• If necessary – seek help from a psychologist or family counselor. A specialist can help partners understand each other’s needs, adjust behavior, and develop conflict-resolution strategies.

If your partner pressures you

First and foremost: if you experience physical or psychological abuse, don’t stay silent or let fear and guilt paralyze you. Reach out to someone you trust—a relative, friend, therapist, or social service worker; contact law enforcement if necessary.

If it’s not abuse but you still feel uncomfortable in the relationship, try to understand why:

• Do you know what you want from the relationship, or are you just agreeing to please your partner?
• Is your relationship equal—are compromises mutual?
• Do you feel accepted, supported, and free to be yourself?
• Are you being rushed—does the relationship allow you to slow down, rest, and think?
• Do you have a choice, or are you pressured by demands and guilt—does your comfort matter to your partner?
• Do you feel natural when alone with your partner, or must you play the role of the “perfect one”?
• Can you express your views and feelings without fear of judgment or punishment?
• Do you respect yourself after talking to your partner, or leave with guilt, anxiety, or shame?
• Are conflicts resolved, or do quarrels always end in silence, avoidance, or aggression?

Reflect on these questions, then calmly and without confrontation talk to your partner about your concerns. Give them the benefit of the doubt and ask about their motives and behavior. Not everyone who “pressures” in relationships—rushes intimacy, feels jealous, or resents distance—is a narcissist, manipulator, or tyrant. Your partner might have an anxious attachment style and fear losing you, which they could work on with a therapist.

If you’re unhappy in the relationship, don’t ignore your feelings or silence your discomfort. Clarify your expectations and communicate them, set your boundaries. You have every right to say: “I need more time, let’s move slower,” or “I don’t feel safe when you…” If your partner is mature, understanding, and loving, you can work on the relationship together—because one person alone can’t fix it.

Remember that everyone in a relationship has the right to feel like themselves—significant, valued, understood, and accepted. You have the right to share your feelings and show vulnerability without fear that your weaknesses will be used against you. And just as you must feel safe with your partner, they must feel safe with you.

Before working on your relationship, take time to work on yourself—build awareness, understand your emotions. Ask yourself: is your heart ready for intimacy? If fears or low self-esteem interfere with your connection, consider reaching out for professional support.

It takes time and patience to nurture a sense of safety, reliability, and protection in a relationship. But it’s worth it—on this foundation, trust, understanding, and genuine closeness grow. Mutual respect, open communication, the ability to express opinions constructively and find compromises help us build deep, lasting, harmonious, and happy relationships with others.