Why do people similar to us sometimes irritate us, and what to do about it

Irritation is a mild form of anger, a sign of our mental discomfort, a violation of our personal boundaries. There can be a whole range of reasons why we look with dislike at a person who resembles us in appearance, behavior, or character.

Perhaps we simply do not want to lose our uniqueness – this may make us irritated by, for example, people who look like us or dress exactly like us.

Or perhaps we feel threatened because our "doubles" compete with us in some way – such as a colleague with skills and qualities similar to ours.

Often, we dislike in others what we dislike in ourselves. For instance, if we consider ourselves too overweight and are ashamed of it, a person with a similar body shape who reminds us of our insecurities may irritate us just like a real mirror. Or, if we always take too long to get ready and feel frustrated about it, another slowpoke may irritate us by reminding us of our own flaws. And if the bearer of our flaws "doesn’t care" about them – this may irritate us twice as much, because we ourselves worry so much.

Sometimes we get angry at others due to cognitive dissonance. For example, we know that being late is bad, but we are not ready to consider ourselves bad, so we prefer to blame others for constant lateness rather than ourselves.

But there are also deeper and more complex reasons. At their core lies the so-called "projection effect".

Sometimes we are not at all ready to admit that the person who irritates us is in some way similar to us. "That selfish person? But I, on the contrary, always do everything for others!" "That whiner? But I’m as tough as a rock!" But perhaps it’s worth digging deeper here.

Projection is one of the defense mechanisms of our psyche. When we categorically reject something in ourselves, forbid ourselves from certain traits, we begin to project these shameful, forbidden qualities onto others, finding reasons to condemn and blame them. For example, if parents punished a child for being angry or crying, they may grow up believing that expressing feelings in such a way is unacceptable. But the feelings themselves do not disappear, and then the person, denying this part of themselves, will begin to blame everyone who dares to openly get angry or cry. By getting irritated, we seem to vent our emotions through another person. Partly, this irritation is based on unconscious envy, because "they can, but I can’t…" – they fulfill our need, do what we forbid ourselves.

To understand that our irritation toward others relates to our own internal issues, we can conduct an interesting and revealing thought experiment.

Imagine a person who irritates you very much. For example, a colleague who dresses brightly or someone who was rude to another person in front of you.
List the qualities of this person that anger you. The colleague is a flirt without a sense of moderation, and the rude person is tactless, mean, and insolent.
Write down all these qualities and apply them to yourself – how much do they apply to you on a 10-point scale? And if somewhere you firmly wrote "0" or "1" – these are qualities you have completely rejected in yourself, possibly under the influence of parents or society. These denied qualities are what we project onto others, unable to completely rid ourselves of them, because they are part of human nature.
For clarity – change the sign of these qualities from negative to positive. The bright colleague knows how to emphasize her femininity, is uninhibited, and unafraid to stand out. The rude person knows how to stand up for themselves, is decisive and assertive. And it may turn out that these are exactly the qualities you would like to have but, for some reason, forbid yourself. And others, as if on purpose, show you that "this is possible."

So how do we stop "blaming the mirror" – getting angry at others because of our internal conflicts?

Get used to tracking who and what triggers you, causing disproportionate irritation, stronger and longer than the situation warrants. Righteous indignation like "how can they do that?!" often indicates that it’s not the person’s specific action that bothers you, but some trait of their personality that you dislike in yourself or have "suppressed."
Mentally replace judgment of others with thoughts about yourself, figure out what exactly provokes your negativity, how you might be similar to "that show-off" or "that jerk," or what you might want to adopt from them. Consider whether you forbid yourself from being like those who irritate you.
Develop emotional intelligence. Don’t try to forcibly eliminate all negative feelings – they are natural and inherent in everyone. Learn to notice, recognize, and analyze your emotions to process them less painfully and express them more constructively. Work on resolving internal conflicts, if necessary, with the help of a specialist.
Practice empathy by mentally putting yourself in another person’s shoes. Sometimes, to reduce tension, it’s helpful to talk to the person who irritates you to express your feelings and improve mutual understanding.
Try to reduce the level of criticism toward others and yourself. Remember that no one is without weaknesses and flaws, and everyone has the right to be their unique, imperfect self. Also, don’t worry too much about others’ criticism of you – perhaps while searching for a speck in your eye, they fail to see the log in their own, or they might simply be envious.
Learn to use irritation to your advantage, as a signal about what you need to work on, what to change in yourself, taking cues from others. Make lists not only of qualities that irritate you in people but also those that inspire admiration, and think about how you could develop these qualities in yourself.

If many people irritate you greatly – don’t rush to label yourself a misanthrope or blame the "wrong" people around you. It’s worth considering whether they reflect some of your flaws or embody your inner aspirations, evoking envy. Often, what irritates us, what we don’t want to see or hear, is precisely what is most important for us at the moment to understand something new about ourselves, become better, boost self-esteem, improve relationships, and enhance our quality of life.